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Rant

It's the weekend again. Weekends don't really count anymore. Being a stay-at-home mom the days just string together. I know, how lucky for me that everyday is like the weekend! Oh ya!
I think the misconception is that you're so lucky and how easy.

My work is non stop. If a kid wakes in the night, who is there? I am eating lunch and a kid needs something... guess what? I quit my 'break' and handle it. I don't leave at 5 and get to give my mind a break until the morning shift.
It's definitely not all hard, but it isn't bon bons and Soaps either. I think only workaholics who work 80 plus hours a week truly understand. And even then... they get to sleep soundly and not be awoken.

clarity.

I need a cleansing. I need to wash everything away. Clean slate. I need these bad feelings, anger, hate, and sadness to quit paralyzing me. I could have an amazing life. I could have it all. I need inspiration how to do this. I need help. There, I said it.

I need help.

Rain, rain, please stay!

I played out in the rain today. I had the husband try and take a few pictures of me for a website. Ah, it was too much fun!





Afterward I went to the grocery store. Of course not before I drove down to the river. The mist was hovering of the monument. It was so beautiful and quiet. A perfect fall day.

I came home in time to make home made chicken noodle soup. The babies loved it. Now it's silence. Lovely silence, and I am freezing. I think I am going to take a hot soak and edit some pictures.

Yours truly.

Before and After

I have never done a before and after of a picture I've worked on. But this one is just amazing to me. I have to compensate for a crap camera, and in doing so am I hoping it will just make me an even better photographer!!!

Where is my guru?

I am having the same old doubt and insecurities that always seem to come out and haunt me. I feel like I am in a stand still with photography. The noise in my head is telling me to quit, run, give up. The things I always do when the going gets tough. It's ridiculous. I think I need a life guru. I really need some insight to sort this mess out.

In an attempt to get a hold of things I have a meditation book and cd coming. I hope it helps. I hope I can just shut up and be.

It's fall here. As much of a fall as we can get. I got away last weekend. I had hoped it would help. It felt great to recharge. The weather was rainy. Life was good. Then I came home. Now I am a mess. A functioning mess... but a mess nontheless. Okay... I am getting sick of my own whining!!!!

I am the Sylvia Plath of motherhood.

I am supposed to be put together, humble, and always on the go. But I really just prefer to sit and zone out on something, whether it be this lap top or even the TV. I love a clean house and homemade food. Yet the desire to achieve that on an everyday basis is really low. I'm okay about three times a week of doing that, after that I'm done. And I really mean I am DONE. If anything at least I'm consistent on being worthless.

We had the world we knew we would.

Remember when we would plan our future. Our dreams, our jobs, our children. We dreamed of the north west. Together we just dreamed. We had a whole world mapped out. It felt as if nothing would stop us. Nothing would change our feelings. There was only love. Love and each other. Nothing would change.

It's been six years. Six years and two babies.

and you hate me. And I hate us.

And tomorrow nothing will change. I will be your wife, your keeper.

Life's beat

The Denver weekend was a success. Absolute success! We jumped and threw the peace sign up to Anti-flag, felt like we were going to pass out in the grass, and danced in the rain to B Foundation. A very grand Warped Tour. We ate dinner in our hotel afterward, and got 10 plus hours of uninterrupted, kid free sleep. When we awoke we went to our favorite dive, Pete's Kitchen and then did a little shopping. It was a great escape. I was happy to see the babies though.
Now it's back to normalcy. Everyone is adjusting valiantly.
I believe I am participating in a thing called ArtWalk, in downtown Sidney. A pretty low key event but I am at least putting my stuff out there.

Today was the first day it's felt like summer in a long while. I must confess I have liked the threat of fall. I think I am ready for it.

This could drag...

on and on! We're going to Denver this weekend. Kid free. My husband and I haven't done that in... well I am pretty sure since having babies.
Will we even know what to talk about? Hopefully he doesn't find his new wife boring. I am not sure I know how to even converse out side of mommy-mode. We are going to be playing the part of a young punk ass couple. We're going to a massive concert. I could be going completely out of my realm of comfort now. But what the hell. My hang ups are that my body is not where it used to be. Oh how I wish I had to desire to start losing weight again. I have 20 lbs till pre-pregnancy. I want to be a waif.

Words can't describe how excited I am for this week to be over!! Alas it's only Monday. On to my housewife duties.

I need to remind myself...

to be patient. To breathe. To enjoy this, because it's going by so quickly.

I have had photography as a hobby for 7 years, it's actually quite embarrassing to say that I feel like I am not that great. At least not 7 years worth.

Here's my excuses;
I took quite a long break, and only did a few landscape shots through the years.
and I had two amazing babies. That is all.

Plus I have just recently found that I might enjoy shooting portraiture. I have so much to learn. And so little funds to help me. I am just being so impatient and hard on myself. I am scared I am going to lose what drew me to photography in the first place, that passion. I can't do that to myself. I won't.

So with that I am reminding myself constantly. I am going at my own pace. Nobody else's and who cares. I am doing this for myself anyway!

Phew, okay... I got that out. It's been gnawing at the back of my head for a while now.

On a completely different note, I got some super amazing sandals yesterday :) I love me some Target.

and... because I can.

We have overslept today. My children have let me sleep in. What is this life coming too?!
It's nice to do so, but I feel a bit like a slacker.

Yesterday I got the kids up (at a reasonable time) and we left the house. It was our first outing in a very, very long time. We didn't do too much but go to Target, get some lunch and then spent the afternoon at the park. It was just an absolute gorgeous day.

It feels like summer

and it really does. We have had the oddest cold fronts and thunderstorms, but today just feels like summer.

I am hardly doing anything today. I don't know why, but this has been the theme of my existence lately. I keep obsessing about photography. I just need to keep reminding myself to have fun, not to ruin it for myself. I will get better with time, and to have patience. I need to make this my mantra. I am over thinking everything.

The husband and I drove his '68 mustang down to a flooded area of the river. We walked a path that we had to trudge through water. It was a pretty amazing afternoon. We held hands. I'm sure to most that doesn't seem like a big deal. But the last hand I held was my daughters. And before that it had been years. So it was a big deal for us. It was a swift reminder of what we once were.

Saturday we took the kids and went to his parent's land and spent the day with his family. That day was relaxing too. We drove home in the most spectacular lightening storm. If I had the guts I would love to get shots of that kind of lightening.

Friday night, we spent it at my parents' house. My mom ordered pizza and we ate it on her big country porch. It was the perfect evening. It was nice to have adult conversation and spend it with our loved ones.

a thought

Just because someone might be a biological parent, grandparent, etc... doesn't give them any supreme connection to you or gives you an obligation to care about them or love them or feel connected to them. Family is important, but only when those relationships are meaningful and nurturing.

Long drives

Friday, what are Friday's now? Another day. The weekend only means I'll have one more mess to clean up throughout the day (husband) It also might mean and this is a big might... but I might get to sleep in. You know AFTER I wake to feed the baby. I just might be able to go back to sleep until the toddler screams me awake through the closed door. Husband truly does try to keep her content. But he just sucks at it. So here we are on the threshold of another weekend. I am going out of town with my mother tomorrow. We are taking both kids, to visit my Aunt and her children. I hope it's a good day.
The weeks are flying by. I really mean that. Being a stay at home mom, makes things start to flow together. I don't know up from down at the moment. I will say I have intense spring fever. The husband got his 1968 Mustang out yesterday and got it cleaned up. He took me for a drive in it tonight. It was nice to have all windows down and the wind blowing through me. I just let the sun warm me and the wind clean my head out. We didn't talk. We never have to on our drives. I've always liked that about him. I truly felt I could breathe a little better after it. It wasn't long, but it was dearly needed.

A day at the pond

I spent the day with my husband and children. We went to my husband's family's land. The land is located along the North Platte river, and there is a pond to fish at. It was a lovely day.
I got a few moments of peace by floating out on the pond. It was wonderful to have the only sound be the water swishing below me as I paddle. It wasn't too cold, just crisp enough to leave me feeling exhilarated.
We then ate a feast. I mean a huge amount of food and beer was available. I also snagged a few moments to take some pictures of my lovely children.
I drove us back home in a lightening storm. It took everything in me not to pull over and snap some shots. It was unbelievable. Completely cloud to ground lightening.
When we pulled up to our house the storm had passed so I grabbed the babies and we took our first bubble bath together. I usually bathe them separately due to the crazy two year old. I for some reason just didn't care tonight. It was actually pretty fun having both of them in there. It wasn't at all the chaos I was expecting. I had daddy on stand by just in case!
After the children got put to bed, I checked the mail. I got my first print order from my new printing company. I am very pleased with how they turned out. I only have one that is worthy of the garbage, and that is my fault with editing. It truly isn't that great. I am not quite sure what happened.
I listed a few more items tonight, and I also ordered a spot on the showcase page for July 9th. I have this surge of accomplishment. I am finally doing something I enjoy. Now if I can just get others to enjoy and love my work I will be set.

I need you like water in my lungs

The most rewarding part of Motherhood is feeling her chest go up and down when she's breathing. I tell her all the time that she's going to rebel one day, she's going to be defiant one day, and she's going to hate me at least a few times in this lifetime. The only thing that is not negotiable, the only thing I will not compromise, is her breathing. The only thing I always need her to do, is keep breathing. It means I'm at least doing an okay job if she's doing that.

the beginning of all things summer.

Today has felt hot and muggy. I have been stuck inside all day, due to Lily having a fever. That is all she has, which I don't understand. This is only her second time being sick. So I really can't complain.
Another week has gone by. Those seem to be the words I say all the time. But that's just it. I feel like I am losing time.
Next weekend I cross into my mid twenties. MID twenties. I keep saying it over in my head. I have been dreading this number for quite sometime. My youth is disappearing. Yet I still feel a little reckless, and spontaneous. I am losing my excuse, that I am young. That it's what I should be doing.

Oh thank god. There is a breeze coming through the window. It has been a still night prior to this. Now I can see my curtains billow out with the breeze. Thank god.

In baby news, Atticus is close to sitting up on his own

Judge me

Have you ever judged someone based on their music tastes?

Yes. All the time.
I admit, I am a bit of a snob. Especially when it comes to things that are important to me.

Music to me is a reflection on the type of person they are. If it's a style of music I don't appreciate, then I probably am not going to appreciate that said person.

In past experiences I have encountered two type of guys. Label one is cock-rock guy. Label two is rapper-boy man whore.

With label one guy; they had the part completely down. Angry, bad ass with some generic/mtv/xmradio/ anthem they blared from their car system, and daddy issues.

Label two; ugh. That is all. Respect is obviously lacking.

So yes. I judge a person based on their music tastes.

Sometimes it's a good judgment though. I do have respect for most music in general. I just hate the way certain styles can change a persons personality to make them seem more than they really are