WELCOME!

Rant

It's the weekend again. Weekends don't really count anymore. Being a stay-at-home mom the days just string together. I know, how lucky for me that everyday is like the weekend! Oh ya!
I think the misconception is that you're so lucky and how easy.

My work is non stop. If a kid wakes in the night, who is there? I am eating lunch and a kid needs something... guess what? I quit my 'break' and handle it. I don't leave at 5 and get to give my mind a break until the morning shift.
It's definitely not all hard, but it isn't bon bons and Soaps either. I think only workaholics who work 80 plus hours a week truly understand. And even then... they get to sleep soundly and not be awoken.

clarity.

I need a cleansing. I need to wash everything away. Clean slate. I need these bad feelings, anger, hate, and sadness to quit paralyzing me. I could have an amazing life. I could have it all. I need inspiration how to do this. I need help. There, I said it.

I need help.

Rain, rain, please stay!

I played out in the rain today. I had the husband try and take a few pictures of me for a website. Ah, it was too much fun!





Afterward I went to the grocery store. Of course not before I drove down to the river. The mist was hovering of the monument. It was so beautiful and quiet. A perfect fall day.

I came home in time to make home made chicken noodle soup. The babies loved it. Now it's silence. Lovely silence, and I am freezing. I think I am going to take a hot soak and edit some pictures.

Yours truly.

Before and After

I have never done a before and after of a picture I've worked on. But this one is just amazing to me. I have to compensate for a crap camera, and in doing so am I hoping it will just make me an even better photographer!!!

Where is my guru?

I am having the same old doubt and insecurities that always seem to come out and haunt me. I feel like I am in a stand still with photography. The noise in my head is telling me to quit, run, give up. The things I always do when the going gets tough. It's ridiculous. I think I need a life guru. I really need some insight to sort this mess out.

In an attempt to get a hold of things I have a meditation book and cd coming. I hope it helps. I hope I can just shut up and be.

It's fall here. As much of a fall as we can get. I got away last weekend. I had hoped it would help. It felt great to recharge. The weather was rainy. Life was good. Then I came home. Now I am a mess. A functioning mess... but a mess nontheless. Okay... I am getting sick of my own whining!!!!

I am the Sylvia Plath of motherhood.

I am supposed to be put together, humble, and always on the go. But I really just prefer to sit and zone out on something, whether it be this lap top or even the TV. I love a clean house and homemade food. Yet the desire to achieve that on an everyday basis is really low. I'm okay about three times a week of doing that, after that I'm done. And I really mean I am DONE. If anything at least I'm consistent on being worthless.

We had the world we knew we would.

Remember when we would plan our future. Our dreams, our jobs, our children. We dreamed of the north west. Together we just dreamed. We had a whole world mapped out. It felt as if nothing would stop us. Nothing would change our feelings. There was only love. Love and each other. Nothing would change.

It's been six years. Six years and two babies.

and you hate me. And I hate us.

And tomorrow nothing will change. I will be your wife, your keeper.

Life's beat

The Denver weekend was a success. Absolute success! We jumped and threw the peace sign up to Anti-flag, felt like we were going to pass out in the grass, and danced in the rain to B Foundation. A very grand Warped Tour. We ate dinner in our hotel afterward, and got 10 plus hours of uninterrupted, kid free sleep. When we awoke we went to our favorite dive, Pete's Kitchen and then did a little shopping. It was a great escape. I was happy to see the babies though.
Now it's back to normalcy. Everyone is adjusting valiantly.
I believe I am participating in a thing called ArtWalk, in downtown Sidney. A pretty low key event but I am at least putting my stuff out there.

Today was the first day it's felt like summer in a long while. I must confess I have liked the threat of fall. I think I am ready for it.

This could drag...

on and on! We're going to Denver this weekend. Kid free. My husband and I haven't done that in... well I am pretty sure since having babies.
Will we even know what to talk about? Hopefully he doesn't find his new wife boring. I am not sure I know how to even converse out side of mommy-mode. We are going to be playing the part of a young punk ass couple. We're going to a massive concert. I could be going completely out of my realm of comfort now. But what the hell. My hang ups are that my body is not where it used to be. Oh how I wish I had to desire to start losing weight again. I have 20 lbs till pre-pregnancy. I want to be a waif.

Words can't describe how excited I am for this week to be over!! Alas it's only Monday. On to my housewife duties.

I need to remind myself...

to be patient. To breathe. To enjoy this, because it's going by so quickly.

I have had photography as a hobby for 7 years, it's actually quite embarrassing to say that I feel like I am not that great. At least not 7 years worth.

Here's my excuses;
I took quite a long break, and only did a few landscape shots through the years.
and I had two amazing babies. That is all.

Plus I have just recently found that I might enjoy shooting portraiture. I have so much to learn. And so little funds to help me. I am just being so impatient and hard on myself. I am scared I am going to lose what drew me to photography in the first place, that passion. I can't do that to myself. I won't.

So with that I am reminding myself constantly. I am going at my own pace. Nobody else's and who cares. I am doing this for myself anyway!

Phew, okay... I got that out. It's been gnawing at the back of my head for a while now.

On a completely different note, I got some super amazing sandals yesterday :) I love me some Target.

and... because I can.

We have overslept today. My children have let me sleep in. What is this life coming too?!
It's nice to do so, but I feel a bit like a slacker.

Yesterday I got the kids up (at a reasonable time) and we left the house. It was our first outing in a very, very long time. We didn't do too much but go to Target, get some lunch and then spent the afternoon at the park. It was just an absolute gorgeous day.

It feels like summer

and it really does. We have had the oddest cold fronts and thunderstorms, but today just feels like summer.

I am hardly doing anything today. I don't know why, but this has been the theme of my existence lately. I keep obsessing about photography. I just need to keep reminding myself to have fun, not to ruin it for myself. I will get better with time, and to have patience. I need to make this my mantra. I am over thinking everything.

The husband and I drove his '68 mustang down to a flooded area of the river. We walked a path that we had to trudge through water. It was a pretty amazing afternoon. We held hands. I'm sure to most that doesn't seem like a big deal. But the last hand I held was my daughters. And before that it had been years. So it was a big deal for us. It was a swift reminder of what we once were.

Saturday we took the kids and went to his parent's land and spent the day with his family. That day was relaxing too. We drove home in the most spectacular lightening storm. If I had the guts I would love to get shots of that kind of lightening.

Friday night, we spent it at my parents' house. My mom ordered pizza and we ate it on her big country porch. It was the perfect evening. It was nice to have adult conversation and spend it with our loved ones.

a thought

Just because someone might be a biological parent, grandparent, etc... doesn't give them any supreme connection to you or gives you an obligation to care about them or love them or feel connected to them. Family is important, but only when those relationships are meaningful and nurturing.

Long drives

Friday, what are Friday's now? Another day. The weekend only means I'll have one more mess to clean up throughout the day (husband) It also might mean and this is a big might... but I might get to sleep in. You know AFTER I wake to feed the baby. I just might be able to go back to sleep until the toddler screams me awake through the closed door. Husband truly does try to keep her content. But he just sucks at it. So here we are on the threshold of another weekend. I am going out of town with my mother tomorrow. We are taking both kids, to visit my Aunt and her children. I hope it's a good day.
The weeks are flying by. I really mean that. Being a stay at home mom, makes things start to flow together. I don't know up from down at the moment. I will say I have intense spring fever. The husband got his 1968 Mustang out yesterday and got it cleaned up. He took me for a drive in it tonight. It was nice to have all windows down and the wind blowing through me. I just let the sun warm me and the wind clean my head out. We didn't talk. We never have to on our drives. I've always liked that about him. I truly felt I could breathe a little better after it. It wasn't long, but it was dearly needed.

A day at the pond

I spent the day with my husband and children. We went to my husband's family's land. The land is located along the North Platte river, and there is a pond to fish at. It was a lovely day.
I got a few moments of peace by floating out on the pond. It was wonderful to have the only sound be the water swishing below me as I paddle. It wasn't too cold, just crisp enough to leave me feeling exhilarated.
We then ate a feast. I mean a huge amount of food and beer was available. I also snagged a few moments to take some pictures of my lovely children.
I drove us back home in a lightening storm. It took everything in me not to pull over and snap some shots. It was unbelievable. Completely cloud to ground lightening.
When we pulled up to our house the storm had passed so I grabbed the babies and we took our first bubble bath together. I usually bathe them separately due to the crazy two year old. I for some reason just didn't care tonight. It was actually pretty fun having both of them in there. It wasn't at all the chaos I was expecting. I had daddy on stand by just in case!
After the children got put to bed, I checked the mail. I got my first print order from my new printing company. I am very pleased with how they turned out. I only have one that is worthy of the garbage, and that is my fault with editing. It truly isn't that great. I am not quite sure what happened.
I listed a few more items tonight, and I also ordered a spot on the showcase page for July 9th. I have this surge of accomplishment. I am finally doing something I enjoy. Now if I can just get others to enjoy and love my work I will be set.

I need you like water in my lungs

The most rewarding part of Motherhood is feeling her chest go up and down when she's breathing. I tell her all the time that she's going to rebel one day, she's going to be defiant one day, and she's going to hate me at least a few times in this lifetime. The only thing that is not negotiable, the only thing I will not compromise, is her breathing. The only thing I always need her to do, is keep breathing. It means I'm at least doing an okay job if she's doing that.

the beginning of all things summer.

Today has felt hot and muggy. I have been stuck inside all day, due to Lily having a fever. That is all she has, which I don't understand. This is only her second time being sick. So I really can't complain.
Another week has gone by. Those seem to be the words I say all the time. But that's just it. I feel like I am losing time.
Next weekend I cross into my mid twenties. MID twenties. I keep saying it over in my head. I have been dreading this number for quite sometime. My youth is disappearing. Yet I still feel a little reckless, and spontaneous. I am losing my excuse, that I am young. That it's what I should be doing.

Oh thank god. There is a breeze coming through the window. It has been a still night prior to this. Now I can see my curtains billow out with the breeze. Thank god.

In baby news, Atticus is close to sitting up on his own

Judge me

Have you ever judged someone based on their music tastes?

Yes. All the time.
I admit, I am a bit of a snob. Especially when it comes to things that are important to me.

Music to me is a reflection on the type of person they are. If it's a style of music I don't appreciate, then I probably am not going to appreciate that said person.

In past experiences I have encountered two type of guys. Label one is cock-rock guy. Label two is rapper-boy man whore.

With label one guy; they had the part completely down. Angry, bad ass with some generic/mtv/xmradio/ anthem they blared from their car system, and daddy issues.

Label two; ugh. That is all. Respect is obviously lacking.

So yes. I judge a person based on their music tastes.

Sometimes it's a good judgment though. I do have respect for most music in general. I just hate the way certain styles can change a persons personality to make them seem more than they really are

Do-over

I'm not sure if I could fully appreciate a do-over.

If I got the chance to re-do my life, would I end up with the children and comfort I have now? Sure I would love to re-do a lot of things. I would have started my life sooner. I wouldn't have wasted my first 3 years after high school. I would have dove head first into life. I would have been more selfish. I worried too much about people who never gave two shits about me.

However, with all my mess ups I ended up right where I needed to be. I needed to be grounded.

I couldn't ask for a do-over.

I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

I am blank, cold, and dark. I haven't felt this way for a long time. I am giving myself tonight to dwell in it. Tomorrow I have to buck up, I have babies to care for.


Some of our family picture proofs are up. Here's the hub's and I.

It is raining right now. It has been a cloudy wet day, which says a lot for the Midwest. We went out of town this last weekend. My sister-in-law graduated high school. We also got family pictures done. I think they were possibly a bust. I hope not. But my two year old was crazy. The first half she just stared straight ahead not smiling. Then the second half was spent crawling on the floor like a crazy lady. Two year old's definitely have a spark of being bipolar!

I got a photo job this summer. I'm excited about it. Two little girls, how easy!

Well I thought I had more to write, but I just can't seem to let it pour out. I'm just filling in the typical, mundane, daily stuff.

On that note. I am off.

I am lousy..

at keeping a blog.

It's past midnight, and I should be sleeping. I am just in the mood to shut my brain off and be consumed by the computer. This has felt like the longest weekend ever. Hubby had friday off, and I have been in no mood for his company. Awful, I know. It's probably me.

I can't believe it's May. It can not be possible. Atticus turned five months on the 29th. It's passing too quickly. I just want to reach out and grab him, and keep him the little baby, I love.
Lily, is talking more and more. She understands so much now. I'm trying to potty train, and it's awful. I don't think people understand, why it's not working. But it just goes back to following the advice of experts and your doctors, and then everyone else thinking you should do it the way they did it. It's overwhelming, and nothing is working. My gut instinct is that she's just not fully ready. She's text book ready, but I think there is something else going on. I wish we could just get it over with. It is so consuming.

I've been focusing on photography lately. I could write a book on everything that has been going on in my mind. It's been a rollercoaster. One moment I am optimistic, and then the next I feel so worthless. I really need to get the right gear, then I'll feel even more confident in it. It will take me about $3,000 to start my own business, which in the scheme of things is not much. This will be my independence, my outlet, and my worth.

It's worth every dime.

Okay, I'm going to lay in bed now.

I'm sure I will be awake for awhile. It's usually when thoughts consume me.

Dark midnight thoughts

I'm awake, and I shouldn't be. But I was looking at a blog in which the little girl had cancer and recently died. I knew I shouldn't have looked at it, but I had to. I don't know why. I just couldn't look away. So here I am crying and sad. I shouldn't look at anything like that late at night. My morbid depressing thoughts about mortality creep in. Late at night is always the worse. I've been like that since I was little. I remember trying to fall asleep, and thoughts of death and my family dying... and then the thoughts would lead to myself dying. It was the absolute worse. I would be so scared and have to go in my Mom's room. Now here I am an adult, and no better. I'm just so sad that everything I know and love will eventually not be here. And where will it all go? I can't answer that. I have no belief, reason get's in the way and I feel like how can it be possible for anything after this. I know, deep thoughts that will just keep me awake tonight.

Yesterday I went with my Mom and we visited family. It was warm and wonderful being at my Great Grandparents' house. They are both gone, but my Aunt owns and lives in their house. If you walk to the back you can still smell the scent of my Great Grandma's pantry. I love that my children can go there and see my childhood haven.

I feel like going in and checking on my daughter. She's sleeping sound, but sometimes mama's need to be reassured.

in the search for a divine something

If there is a God . . .

* God does not choose the victor in football games.
* God does not choose sides in human wars.
* God does not save some people from disease while letting others die.
* God does not “bless America” or any country.
* God does not send floods, hurricanes, or other natural disasters to punish people.
* God does not create diseases to punish people.
* God does not appear to some people and not others.
* God does not damn people for their sexual orientation or gender.
* God does not damn anyone.
* God does not demand belief in God.

It's Monday

... and I have full blown list of things to complete. Yet no motivation. I keep thinking that with each refill of the coffee mug it will spark me. No such luck, so I decided to procrastinate with an update.

This weekend flew by. It was just last weekend that if felt like they were dragging on. My husband had Thursday and Friday off due to his vehicle fiasco.
That started Wednesday night.
Wednesday my mom and I had planned for the kids and I to go over to her house for a couple of hours so she could see the kids. We went over at 4 in the afternoon, and Adam waved to us as I drove out of the drive way. The visit went well, and at 6 I packed the kids up and we left. It was dinner time, and I was secretly hoping 1. my husband would have dinner for us or 2. he would go and get dinner for us. I pulled up to the driveway and it was a little after six at this point and dark. Nobody was home. And it was like nobody had been home since I had left. It was odd, because I watched him walk into the house.
I got the kids unloaded and we preceded with our evening; dinner, bath, dinner again (baby), bath again (baby), ect. Before I knew it, it was 8:00. I was getting more and more angry as the night went on. In the midst of all of this I had called my husband about 5 times. No answer, which NEVER happens. I had no idea where he could even be. This sounds awful, but we don't really have friends. The thing that bothered me is that we have been at odds for sometime now. I mean like 5 months of just passing by each other. Talking about nothing but the kids and the household. We have essentially been just roommates. So it was really bothering me.
Finally at 9:00'ish he called me. He sounded tipsy and told me he went to Lyman and saw his old best friend Zach (which is a completely different story in itself).
Zach bar tends there so Adam decided to drive the 25 mins. there and try to talk to him. I was pissed on the phone with him. He said he was on his way home and that he didn't have service to call me. I told him 'well great I hope you get a DUI' and hung up on him. I was being completely irrational. But like I said I was livid. He called back a little later and I once again hung up on him. Then he called me AGAIN, to say he got his pickup stuck. It had been snowing all the previous week and then we were getting 50 degree weather, so everything was a muddy mess. I told him " Good luck, I have two babies here to deal with, one in bed and the other is nursing. Call someone else." There was no way I was going to go 'rescue' him I hadn't a clue where he was, (some country road, which ended up being an access road to an irrigation ditch) and I have a Impala, I too would have gotten stuck. We hung up, with him saying there was some lights coming towards him, maybe to help him. About 2 hours or so went by (not really sure) but the next phone call from him was him yelling at me into the phone 'I hope you're happy, my fucking pickup is on fire..... (ranting) because my bitch of a wife couldn't come help me, my pickup is now in flames' (blaming me for his being an idiot, hence why we have been at odds for months now) He then hung up on me. Now he was pissed at ME. I was just ... I don't know quite the feeling, it was almost a numb, surreal feeling. Nothing made sense to me. I had so many questions. How did he get stuck? What happened to the people helping him? Why did he even decide to go out anyways? How did it go from being stuck to being on fire in no time?
I had to call him back. He answered with "Oh so now you want to talk, (more yelling) I called 911, my pickup is on fucking fire.' There was more choice words in there towards me. I just calmly said to him "Well I hope you're happy Adam. You ruined everything." He then hung up on me.

The next phone call was a more calm one. He apologized and said he loved me and the kids. And was sorry for what ever was going to happen. He said the fire department was almost there, and he would let me know the outcome. The reason for all of the remorse is because of getting a DUI. We both know what that would mean for his job. He has a CDL, and this a new job. A job that we need, and a job that means financial freedom and a good future.

There was no need to worry about that though. The cop that was assisting gave him a ride home. With the last phone call he actually didn't sound drunk or tipsy. He just sounded ... blah. When he walked through the door though, he wasn't what I was expecting. He was covered in mud. It was smudged all over his face. His hair was a mess. He was just a mess.

The run down of the night, was he actually tried calling me before he went to the bar, but there is absolutely no service out there. I do know this for a fact as he was building a house last winter in that same area, and it was always a pain to get a hold of him. He had assumed we would be forever at my mothers, and decided to take Marley (our dog) for a drive, and then they ended up there in hopes to talk to Zach. He was taking the country roads home, and pulled over to pee. (yes we are most definitely in Nebraska) And our dog Marley took off down the access road to the irrigation ditch. That's why he drove down it, was to get Marley. He did say if he wasn't tipsy he would have known better because of all of the mud. He found Marley but when he stopped is when he got stuck.
Then the vehicle that pulled up was actually some lovely hick boy's out 'mudding' in a diesel Dodge Ram. They lived not even half a mile away. They told him they couldn't help him, and left.

Adam got in his pickup and was calling his friend Chris to see if he could come and get him, and that's when he noticed a glow on the floor boards. He got out and got under his pickup and was putting mud on the flames when he realized that wasn't going to do any good. It was coming from the top of the engine. So he crawled out and went to the hood of the truck and was about to pop it open, when he burnt his wrist, and saw the passenger side corner was glowing. I think that's when mayhem hit for him. He ran to the cab of the pickup where Marley was and started yelling at him to get out. Of course our dog is stupid, and hid. Adam finally got him out. He called 911.

Then they stood off and watched his pickup go out in style.

The next morning after a restless night of sleep, we drove out to where his pickup was.

Friday, Adam and I had our long overdue 'talk'. The only thing we figured out was that we need to work together on things in our house; children, housework... His thing is teamwork. We'll see what this accomplishes.
That night we had our first date night, in a very long time. We went and saw Alice in Wonderland. Then we played air hockey at the arcade, and then went and picked up our babies.

Saturday my mom and I left town and went shopping. It was my first time away from Atticus for longer than 2 hours. It was odd to not be in mommy mode. But oh-so nice. We ate a long, luxurious lunch at Olive Garden, where we got the mucho margaritas. It was wonderful.

The weather has been rainy, cloudy, and misty. It's my favorite.

subject)
We had Atticus' 2 month well baby checkup today.

It's a roll of the dice whether Lily will be good or not. Today was a big fat NOT. I wore Atticus in my sling so I could wrangle Lily better and navigate her through the parking lot. We made it in, and Atticus was fussy in the sling, thinking he was going to nurse. Lily was ever curious of the other children in the waiting room. I took Atticus out and helped Lily take her coat off. She then preceded to take her shoes off. She only got one off when they called us to the back. With the help of the nurse we got Lily in the room. To sum everything up, in 30 mins. she got both shoes off, escaped the room 3 times, and gracefully flung herself to the ground 5 times. Most in the walk to the car. I actually left her in the hospital lobby because she would not get up from the ground. I think that was the only effective thing that worked. I had to decompress by taking some scenic pictures afterward. I have come to the conclusion that 2 year olds are a little bipolar. One minute she's sweet and so cooperating the next she's peeling the wallpaper off and screaming. I kid you not about the wallpaper. At grandma's one day we looked over and saw her clawing the walls. wtf!

Dear god

I am sitting here ever oblivious to what is going on around me. My husband is watching t.v. and a commercial about valentines day comes on. He says "Oh great, now I get to hear you bitch about how you've never had a good valentines day...blah blah blah" I just slowly look up and watch him throw this weird little hissy fit. Then he goes, "What would you even want?". I told him "How about you forget it if it's this big of a deal to you." He precedes to say well if we even have enough money. I just couldn't keep my mouth shut. I had to precede with this stupidity. I told him how he never seems to have money each year. If maybe he planned ahead things would be cheaper than you know, the day of or before Valentines day.

So the conversation stops. I continue browsing the internet and stumble upon some vintage inspired lockets. I said "I know what I want, can you spend $20?"

His response. "We'll just have to see what my next check is like."

Dear god, I am going to kill my husband.

that is all.

My computer is still sucking it up, but I shall still try to update.
Atticus slept eight hours last night. Eight hours of blissful sleep. As much as I love newborns, I really hate that stage. I just don't function well. He turned seven weeks yesterday (that always sounds like I am talking about a puppy).
The weekend was okay. Adam had a three day weekend... I am glad to see him off to work this morning. We did manage to take both kids to the park. I wore my sling with Atticus. It was refreshing out.
Alas I must cut this short. I am now wearing spitup on my shoulder. Ahh, motherhood!

I have been out of commission on my computer. It won't start up... so here I sit at the library with only 15 mins to spare before I have to go home and play mommy again! I just had my 6 week postpartem checkup. I think all was well really. She had to put this cream where my stitches were, so my husband is going to highly disappointed when he realizes what that means for him. There will be nothing going on in that department this weekend.

Atticus is all smiles lately. At 5 am I looked down at him and he just lit up. I love those reminders as to why I really do love my life. Lily is of course acting... well like she is almost 2. I love her to death, but I just don't recognize her anymore. She is turning absolutely crazy! Maybe once the weather changes and we can be outside more she'll feel better. I can only hope.

Sunday Bliss

I am all jazzed up on caffeine, per a headache. It has been a lazy Sunday for us. Adam watched Lily while I slept in until 9. I would say he watched Atticus too, but I don't count it considering he slept also. When I got up Adam went and worked on his pickup, while I dealt with the kids, and sat on my bum. Lily has been having so many little melt downs I just don't know what to do with them. I feel as if it's all for attention, but then I shower her with lot's of love and it seems to do nothing! I keep reminding myself that she turns two next month, AND she is a new big sister. At about one Lily got to go outside and play. She hasn't been able to do that for a week at least. I sat outside for a little bit also. It was so warm in the sun, but only if it was beaming straight on you. We can not wait until spring. I want to do so much outside. I am sick of wasting my time and life on this damn computer. I really need to find a better way to spend all of our time. The kids need better quality time. Adam made dinner for us all tonight. It was rather nice! While he was cooking I played some Modest Mouse, and Lily and I danced to it. She loved it. She's my music child though. A couple of days ago she sang the first chorus to 'Happy Birthday'. I am still so surprised at how much she is talking and how quick she is learning everything.
After dinner Adam pretty much fell asleep on the couch right away. Lily was a crazy woman, and I had a headache. It intensified so bad, that I thought I was going to get sick and could hardly hold my head up. It happened all within 10 minutes. I had to get in the shower. The shower is my comfort place when I get sick. I sat in there and let the steam takeover me. I had a morbid thought, the bathroom is probably the major spot for people to die in. In fact, I wouldn't doubt that is how I would. I go there for every ailment. Sometimes I even go there to just decompress. After a major dose of Tylenol and Dr. Pepper, I managed to get rid of the stupid headache. Now here I sit wide awake. Though it works, I do have a newborn, on an inconsistent feeding schedule. So in my caffeinated stupor, I have been seriously contemplating switching to cloth diapers. I have gone so far as to research patterns so I can make my own. It would be more of a day time at home sort of thing. It would save a lot of money though!
Tomorrow Adam leaves to go to Lincoln until Wednesday. He has orientation with his job. This will be the first time he'll leave since we've had Lily. We've left him here at the house a couple of times, but he's never left us. I am curious to see how he fairs. It will be odd for me not to have an adult conversation all day for three days! I can always go over to Mom's for some sanity. It's supposed to possibly be nice out so I hope I can try out the new tandem stroller with the kids.

It has been 6 weeks today, since I had Atticus. He started to fuss to eat a little bit ago, so I went and picked him up and brought him back to our chair. I looked down and he had a great big smile for me. I love those tiny reminders of how great motherhood really is. It's easy to get so caught up with everything. I can't believe how intense these feelings are with him. We bonded instantly. I think it had to do with the instant skin to skin we had at birth. With Lily I didn't have that, so I think that contributed to the later bonding time.

Adam called me tonight. He called to see how everyone was fairing without him. Truly I think his dog is more hurt than anyone else!
He confessed that the other guys wanted to go to a strip club, and they went in for a bit. The $5 beers scared him and another to the bar across from their hotel though. He told me the guy that he is sharing a hotel room with is crazy for strip clubs, and says he's going again tomorrow too. I asked him if he was married, and Adam tells me no. I said "Well no wonder, he's just trying to get his fix. He doesn't even get bad sex." Mind you this is an old perverted man.

It has been a quick day, with nothing going on. Just the same stuff, every day. I am a stay at home mom, with no motivation to do anything or go anywhere. I hate that feeling. Winter just isn't my season.

The dreams didn't subside. I preceded to dream that I was pregnant again. AGAIN! I just had Atticus and I was pregant. I was so saddened by it. I really didn't want to be again. I remember the thought of an abortion crossed my mind... but then I told myself I could never do it. This girl needs birth control, before my husband touches me!

dreams...

I have had the most restless sleep tonight. I dreamed that Lily was taken. She just disappeared. I knew someone had stolen her. I kept thinking of her big brown eyes and how I would never be able to look at them again. It was the worst sorrow
imaginable. I was hurting so much. Then I woke up to her screaming from her bedroom. She had a nightmare too. In fact she's still awake. I don't ever want to feel that loss in my life. It's almost unbearable, and I got to wake up from it. I can't imagine a time when it won't be a dream. After I tended to Lily I drifted off to sleep again. I started to dream about my mom and it's thanksgiving again. She came out and I could tell she doesn't feel good. She tells me it's her heart. I then start to feel that same sadness. I think to myself 'Who will I have to talk too?'. Atticus woke me up to eat then. I hate these feelings. I don't handle it well. I like my life, it doesn't hurt anymore. Then the reality is that EVERY person I love is going to die. Myself included.

Motivate.Motivate.Motivate.

I can not get off my bum and do the things that I'm expected to do. I just cannot. I figured that not being pregnant would give me more energy, but no. I'm done. I don't gave a good reason really. Just lack of motivation! I hate it. It's just utterly pathetic on my part. I am just being lazy, and I can't stand it. I can't stand myself right now. I hate winter. This is just not my season. I love my babies, but there is something I'm missing right now. I'm not even depressed. I have no reasoning for any of these feelings. It's taking everything to just finish this entry.

Good god, I'm blank.

Baby love.

I just got done holding Atticus. I hold him so close to my chest, my heart. I can't get enough of him. I just know these moments are going to be gone. I want to hold them as close as I can. He is such a sweet boy. To help wind down I gave him a bath tonight. He was shivering, but never cried. I kept pouring warm water over him to help him stay comfortable and even with the bottom lip quivering he just kept staring at me. It's a loving stare too. He's too wonderful.

I did a mini shoot with Lily today. I've been wanting to do pictures with her new tutu for a while now. She wasn't happy. She was okay with it for about 5 minutes, and then was over it. The pictures I did manage to get are good though. I can't believe what a year has done to change her. I can't even catch a glimpse of the baby she was now. I have been having these feelings of disconnect with her lately. I think it's just because she doesn't need me like she did. It works against me too, because I just assume she doesn't need me and then she'll get naughty and want to sit on my lap. I feel bad for her, she doesn't understand what's going on. I need to get with it, and figure this balance out.