the beginning of all things summer.

Today has felt hot and muggy. I have been stuck inside all day, due to Lily having a fever. That is all she has, which I don't understand. This is only her second time being sick. So I really can't complain.
Another week has gone by. Those seem to be the words I say all the time. But that's just it. I feel like I am losing time.
Next weekend I cross into my mid twenties. MID twenties. I keep saying it over in my head. I have been dreading this number for quite sometime. My youth is disappearing. Yet I still feel a little reckless, and spontaneous. I am losing my excuse, that I am young. That it's what I should be doing.

Oh thank god. There is a breeze coming through the window. It has been a still night prior to this. Now I can see my curtains billow out with the breeze. Thank god.

In baby news, Atticus is close to sitting up on his own

Judge me

Have you ever judged someone based on their music tastes?

Yes. All the time.
I admit, I am a bit of a snob. Especially when it comes to things that are important to me.

Music to me is a reflection on the type of person they are. If it's a style of music I don't appreciate, then I probably am not going to appreciate that said person.

In past experiences I have encountered two type of guys. Label one is cock-rock guy. Label two is rapper-boy man whore.

With label one guy; they had the part completely down. Angry, bad ass with some generic/mtv/xmradio/ anthem they blared from their car system, and daddy issues.

Label two; ugh. That is all. Respect is obviously lacking.

So yes. I judge a person based on their music tastes.

Sometimes it's a good judgment though. I do have respect for most music in general. I just hate the way certain styles can change a persons personality to make them seem more than they really are

Do-over

I'm not sure if I could fully appreciate a do-over.

If I got the chance to re-do my life, would I end up with the children and comfort I have now? Sure I would love to re-do a lot of things. I would have started my life sooner. I wouldn't have wasted my first 3 years after high school. I would have dove head first into life. I would have been more selfish. I worried too much about people who never gave two shits about me.

However, with all my mess ups I ended up right where I needed to be. I needed to be grounded.

I couldn't ask for a do-over.

I'm not a concept. Too many guys think I'm a concept or I complete them or I'm going to make them alive, but I'm just a fucked up girl who is looking for my own peace of mind. Don't assign me yours.

I am blank, cold, and dark. I haven't felt this way for a long time. I am giving myself tonight to dwell in it. Tomorrow I have to buck up, I have babies to care for.


Some of our family picture proofs are up. Here's the hub's and I.

It is raining right now. It has been a cloudy wet day, which says a lot for the Midwest. We went out of town this last weekend. My sister-in-law graduated high school. We also got family pictures done. I think they were possibly a bust. I hope not. But my two year old was crazy. The first half she just stared straight ahead not smiling. Then the second half was spent crawling on the floor like a crazy lady. Two year old's definitely have a spark of being bipolar!

I got a photo job this summer. I'm excited about it. Two little girls, how easy!

Well I thought I had more to write, but I just can't seem to let it pour out. I'm just filling in the typical, mundane, daily stuff.

On that note. I am off.

I am lousy..

at keeping a blog.

It's past midnight, and I should be sleeping. I am just in the mood to shut my brain off and be consumed by the computer. This has felt like the longest weekend ever. Hubby had friday off, and I have been in no mood for his company. Awful, I know. It's probably me.

I can't believe it's May. It can not be possible. Atticus turned five months on the 29th. It's passing too quickly. I just want to reach out and grab him, and keep him the little baby, I love.
Lily, is talking more and more. She understands so much now. I'm trying to potty train, and it's awful. I don't think people understand, why it's not working. But it just goes back to following the advice of experts and your doctors, and then everyone else thinking you should do it the way they did it. It's overwhelming, and nothing is working. My gut instinct is that she's just not fully ready. She's text book ready, but I think there is something else going on. I wish we could just get it over with. It is so consuming.

I've been focusing on photography lately. I could write a book on everything that has been going on in my mind. It's been a rollercoaster. One moment I am optimistic, and then the next I feel so worthless. I really need to get the right gear, then I'll feel even more confident in it. It will take me about $3,000 to start my own business, which in the scheme of things is not much. This will be my independence, my outlet, and my worth.

It's worth every dime.

Okay, I'm going to lay in bed now.

I'm sure I will be awake for awhile. It's usually when thoughts consume me.