My computer is still sucking it up, but I shall still try to update.
Atticus slept eight hours last night. Eight hours of blissful sleep. As much as I love newborns, I really hate that stage. I just don't function well. He turned seven weeks yesterday (that always sounds like I am talking about a puppy).
The weekend was okay. Adam had a three day weekend... I am glad to see him off to work this morning. We did manage to take both kids to the park. I wore my sling with Atticus. It was refreshing out.
Alas I must cut this short. I am now wearing spitup on my shoulder. Ahh, motherhood!

I have been out of commission on my computer. It won't start up... so here I sit at the library with only 15 mins to spare before I have to go home and play mommy again! I just had my 6 week postpartem checkup. I think all was well really. She had to put this cream where my stitches were, so my husband is going to highly disappointed when he realizes what that means for him. There will be nothing going on in that department this weekend.

Atticus is all smiles lately. At 5 am I looked down at him and he just lit up. I love those reminders as to why I really do love my life. Lily is of course acting... well like she is almost 2. I love her to death, but I just don't recognize her anymore. She is turning absolutely crazy! Maybe once the weather changes and we can be outside more she'll feel better. I can only hope.

Sunday Bliss

I am all jazzed up on caffeine, per a headache. It has been a lazy Sunday for us. Adam watched Lily while I slept in until 9. I would say he watched Atticus too, but I don't count it considering he slept also. When I got up Adam went and worked on his pickup, while I dealt with the kids, and sat on my bum. Lily has been having so many little melt downs I just don't know what to do with them. I feel as if it's all for attention, but then I shower her with lot's of love and it seems to do nothing! I keep reminding myself that she turns two next month, AND she is a new big sister. At about one Lily got to go outside and play. She hasn't been able to do that for a week at least. I sat outside for a little bit also. It was so warm in the sun, but only if it was beaming straight on you. We can not wait until spring. I want to do so much outside. I am sick of wasting my time and life on this damn computer. I really need to find a better way to spend all of our time. The kids need better quality time. Adam made dinner for us all tonight. It was rather nice! While he was cooking I played some Modest Mouse, and Lily and I danced to it. She loved it. She's my music child though. A couple of days ago she sang the first chorus to 'Happy Birthday'. I am still so surprised at how much she is talking and how quick she is learning everything.
After dinner Adam pretty much fell asleep on the couch right away. Lily was a crazy woman, and I had a headache. It intensified so bad, that I thought I was going to get sick and could hardly hold my head up. It happened all within 10 minutes. I had to get in the shower. The shower is my comfort place when I get sick. I sat in there and let the steam takeover me. I had a morbid thought, the bathroom is probably the major spot for people to die in. In fact, I wouldn't doubt that is how I would. I go there for every ailment. Sometimes I even go there to just decompress. After a major dose of Tylenol and Dr. Pepper, I managed to get rid of the stupid headache. Now here I sit wide awake. Though it works, I do have a newborn, on an inconsistent feeding schedule. So in my caffeinated stupor, I have been seriously contemplating switching to cloth diapers. I have gone so far as to research patterns so I can make my own. It would be more of a day time at home sort of thing. It would save a lot of money though!
Tomorrow Adam leaves to go to Lincoln until Wednesday. He has orientation with his job. This will be the first time he'll leave since we've had Lily. We've left him here at the house a couple of times, but he's never left us. I am curious to see how he fairs. It will be odd for me not to have an adult conversation all day for three days! I can always go over to Mom's for some sanity. It's supposed to possibly be nice out so I hope I can try out the new tandem stroller with the kids.

It has been 6 weeks today, since I had Atticus. He started to fuss to eat a little bit ago, so I went and picked him up and brought him back to our chair. I looked down and he had a great big smile for me. I love those tiny reminders of how great motherhood really is. It's easy to get so caught up with everything. I can't believe how intense these feelings are with him. We bonded instantly. I think it had to do with the instant skin to skin we had at birth. With Lily I didn't have that, so I think that contributed to the later bonding time.

Adam called me tonight. He called to see how everyone was fairing without him. Truly I think his dog is more hurt than anyone else!
He confessed that the other guys wanted to go to a strip club, and they went in for a bit. The $5 beers scared him and another to the bar across from their hotel though. He told me the guy that he is sharing a hotel room with is crazy for strip clubs, and says he's going again tomorrow too. I asked him if he was married, and Adam tells me no. I said "Well no wonder, he's just trying to get his fix. He doesn't even get bad sex." Mind you this is an old perverted man.

It has been a quick day, with nothing going on. Just the same stuff, every day. I am a stay at home mom, with no motivation to do anything or go anywhere. I hate that feeling. Winter just isn't my season.

The dreams didn't subside. I preceded to dream that I was pregnant again. AGAIN! I just had Atticus and I was pregant. I was so saddened by it. I really didn't want to be again. I remember the thought of an abortion crossed my mind... but then I told myself I could never do it. This girl needs birth control, before my husband touches me!

dreams...

I have had the most restless sleep tonight. I dreamed that Lily was taken. She just disappeared. I knew someone had stolen her. I kept thinking of her big brown eyes and how I would never be able to look at them again. It was the worst sorrow
imaginable. I was hurting so much. Then I woke up to her screaming from her bedroom. She had a nightmare too. In fact she's still awake. I don't ever want to feel that loss in my life. It's almost unbearable, and I got to wake up from it. I can't imagine a time when it won't be a dream. After I tended to Lily I drifted off to sleep again. I started to dream about my mom and it's thanksgiving again. She came out and I could tell she doesn't feel good. She tells me it's her heart. I then start to feel that same sadness. I think to myself 'Who will I have to talk too?'. Atticus woke me up to eat then. I hate these feelings. I don't handle it well. I like my life, it doesn't hurt anymore. Then the reality is that EVERY person I love is going to die. Myself included.

Motivate.Motivate.Motivate.

I can not get off my bum and do the things that I'm expected to do. I just cannot. I figured that not being pregnant would give me more energy, but no. I'm done. I don't gave a good reason really. Just lack of motivation! I hate it. It's just utterly pathetic on my part. I am just being lazy, and I can't stand it. I can't stand myself right now. I hate winter. This is just not my season. I love my babies, but there is something I'm missing right now. I'm not even depressed. I have no reasoning for any of these feelings. It's taking everything to just finish this entry.

Good god, I'm blank.

Baby love.

I just got done holding Atticus. I hold him so close to my chest, my heart. I can't get enough of him. I just know these moments are going to be gone. I want to hold them as close as I can. He is such a sweet boy. To help wind down I gave him a bath tonight. He was shivering, but never cried. I kept pouring warm water over him to help him stay comfortable and even with the bottom lip quivering he just kept staring at me. It's a loving stare too. He's too wonderful.

I did a mini shoot with Lily today. I've been wanting to do pictures with her new tutu for a while now. She wasn't happy. She was okay with it for about 5 minutes, and then was over it. The pictures I did manage to get are good though. I can't believe what a year has done to change her. I can't even catch a glimpse of the baby she was now. I have been having these feelings of disconnect with her lately. I think it's just because she doesn't need me like she did. It works against me too, because I just assume she doesn't need me and then she'll get naughty and want to sit on my lap. I feel bad for her, she doesn't understand what's going on. I need to get with it, and figure this balance out.