I'm awake, and I shouldn't be. But I was looking at a blog in which the little girl had cancer and recently died. I knew I shouldn't have looked at it, but I had to. I don't know why. I just couldn't look away. So here I am crying and sad. I shouldn't look at anything like that late at night. My morbid depressing thoughts about mortality creep in. Late at night is always the worse. I've been like that since I was little. I remember trying to fall asleep, and thoughts of death and my family dying... and then the thoughts would lead to myself dying. It was the absolute worse. I would be so scared and have to go in my Mom's room. Now here I am an adult, and no better. I'm just so sad that everything I know and love will eventually not be here. And where will it all go? I can't answer that. I have no belief, reason get's in the way and I feel like how can it be possible for anything after this. I know, deep thoughts that will just keep me awake tonight.
Yesterday I went with my Mom and we visited family. It was warm and wonderful being at my Great Grandparents' house. They are both gone, but my Aunt owns and lives in their house. If you walk to the back you can still smell the scent of my Great Grandma's pantry. I love that my children can go there and see my childhood haven.
I feel like going in and checking on my daughter. She's sleeping sound, but sometimes mama's need to be reassured.
